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April 29, 2010
Poolbeers, trying so hard not to try
Damn this shit is painful though. I am being good and not calling but I know she's there doing nothing and we could be talking on the phone or visiting instead of this and it makes a fire in my chest we were doing so great before I was so about it I would have done whatever it takes. GRRRrrr this is a blackberry post so expect rambling run-on sentences and typos also I have beer. Just started but it is only noon. Its not that I love drinking so much or that I think it will help but actually it will help for now, it will control the fire. I do best with friends but everyone is still at work right now, all alone for a few hours. :( Dumb to be bent out of shape over this but she was great. I don't know what would make her quit because I know she thought it was great too. She would call me all day every day, and right before bed every night and first thing every morning. We talked about having kids and moving around because of my job. We talked about how exciting it was and how crazy we were. I asked her if she was going to run away when she saw me and she said no. We talked on the phone for five hours one night, She must have hated me when she saw me! That is tough to swallow. I am a good man. Why can't I just find someone to love me? I'm just going to get fucked up and get in bed and pass out early, I can't stand to carry my phone and wait for it to ring!!! I want to throw it!!!! I wake up in the middle of the night to see if she called and I missed it. I'm not doing that well. I've done this to girls, I do not feel bad. I just didn't love them. The best thing they could have done is to not call me that's why I refuse to call her even though I want to more than anything. I think she's never going to call me back and that makes me mad because she said she wasn't going to run and that's when I let her in. I had no wall, so rare for me. Oh, now she changed her story about kids too, says she doesn't want to have any more. Here's how I should look at it, she is not who I thought she was and she is the one who is FUCKING UP but can you see though how much it hurts that I wanted to be her boyfriend and she doesn't want me. It is so nice here at the pool I wish someone was her to enjoy it with me, I think I'll just jump in now.
Posted by K